Interview With a Dom - Sex~Kitten.net

Jewel: John Gordon, and yes John is his real name, has graciously agreed to join us in the Parlor to answer questions you might have about a dom’s view of bdsm. I have known John for a number of years and consider him to be a caring dom who is knowledgeable concerning the ins and outs of bdsm. May I present our guest from England, John Gordon:

John: It is a great honour and joy to find myself in the company of such a delightful group of charming kittens - all with such kute li’l kinks their tails. If only I could turn myself into a Master Tomcat and stroke you all in the right places with my soft, silky paws till you just can't stop purring. Now, for the sake of convenience, I'm going to write for some of the time as if the Doms are male and the subs are charming, very kute and delightfully kinky-kinky girls.

Gracie: First, a little on your background -- How long practicing? Did you start as a sub? Committed relationship? Pro? Lifestyle vs play. That sort of thing.

John:--- My background. It really was quite incredibly foolish of me to go into a conventional occupation. I missed my true vocation in life. I should have set up my very own commercial dungeon in some well chosen place on the Atlantic Coast of Florida and given those well preserved retired women the delights they missed out on when young. It would have appealed to my zest for "wickedness". I think I'd be rich if I'd charged by the orgasm (O), perhaps $20 per O for the first 5 Os, $10.00 per O thereafter, plus another $50 for every ~trip~ to ~ecstasy~ ("subspace"). I've a hunch many of the women would have considered that good value. Of course, there might have been a little problem for those women who get so wild that they just can't stop cumming when I stimulate their girlie-spot while spicing whole thing up beyond endurance by whacking their bums. (There's nothing quite like continuing to rub the girlie-spot *and* caning nonstop – yes nonstop - right the way through every O. Wow, am I getting outrageous! But then, I love to be wicked - don't you?

(By the way, I'm aware of the difficulty of counting Os accurately, especially when a woman is overwhelmed by wave upon wave of hard multiples that rock every part of being, followed by a series of mini Os.)

Now, back to your question, Gracie….

--- Practising - for about fifteen years, so by now I have plenty of experience, topped with lashings of whipped cream plus raspberries for every ~trip~ to ~ecstasy~

--- No, I didn't start as a sub. I've tried subbing to a very experienced woman who is part of the bdsm scene here. As the whipping started, I felt so completely out of character that I just laughed at myself. Even when She said, "I'm gonna stop that laughter soon enough" and stepped up the pain to a much higher level, what I felt was only a weak "thrill" at my own daring.

--- As for committed relationships, I was foolish enough to marry a woman who turned out to be a sociopath. It was a very damaging experience. Since then, I've avoided commitment in personal relationships. Instead, I've had friendships and short-term, "no commitment" relationships and plenty of play. I may be missing something worthwhile, but I hope you understand.

Kat: When you started, was it your idea/fantasy, or were you led by the interest of another?

John: Until I get round to writing my erotic autobiography I'll just say that when I was approaching age 11 I had the good(?) fortune to go to one of those schools for which England used to have a certain notoriety. Few things fascinated, enthralled and mesmerized me more than the numerous *canings*. To add to the fun, all beatings had to be carried out in one particular room, which was never used for any other purpose at all. Oh, the mystery of it! At that school, canings had an almost religious character. The caning room was a kind of "holy of holies", where intriguing mysteries were performed. Like a number of other boys, I soon discovered that (for me) the canings just were so, SO, SOOO erotic and that they were gleefully invading my masturbatory fantasies.

No, I wasn't led; it wasn't my idea. I am really grateful to my school for bringing me face to face with my innermost erotic self so early in life.

Laura: How do you know you aren't crossing the line from Dom to bully or abusive partner?

John: A good Dom always puts His partner first, observes her closely and is aware of what's happening. Two key points: 1. "He who would control others must first control Himself". A good Dom is in full control of Himself while dominating and usually doesn't orgasm till the very end - but I don't want to be dogmatic about this. 2. It is most important that the relationship, whether casual or permanent and ongoing, is based on mutual respect and that it isn't fundamentally abusive. The best guarantee against "crossing the line" is a sound relationship based on mutual respect. (Incidentally, mutual respect is essential in all sound interpersonal relationships, and isn't confined to d/s and bdsm)

Sarah: What do you think of or about men who are submissive? What makes you Dom rather than sub?

John: I have dominated men as well as women. With a handful of exceptions, men are sexually much less sexually versatile than women. (Just try "subjecting" a male sub to 5, let alone 10-30 orgasms during one session!) In some cases for the men I've dominated it was also the first ever experience of gay sex, too; and I found myself having to reassure them at the shock they sometimes have at their own daring.

I really love the amazing, thrilling *power trip* (smiles wickedly) First signs of kinkiness emerged in me a shockingly tender age, but how I discovered my innermost self is a long story in its own right.

Jewel: Consensual, sane, etc... It's become the condom mantra for the bdsm community. Is it something you follow religiously or do you stretch limits?

John: Cautious experimenting with 'soft' limits is all part of the fun. A responsible Dom will always be particularly careful when close to the limits and will explore in small steps not in leaps and bounds.

Before embarking on activities that are unsafe, insane (wow!) and non consensual (worse), always bear in mind that the result can be serious injury (or even worse), hospitalization and criminal proceedings. If, for example, you are a teacher in the Bible Belt, how would you handle the consequences of being unmasked?

Laura: Have you ever had a partner hurt during play? How did you handle it?

John: I'm glad to say the answer is no. I'm always very careful.

Sarah: What is your opinion about the ideal of 24/ 7 relationships? Is that kind of micromanaging something you require?

John: Usually 24/7 involves "slavery" - eyes constantly lowered, except when looking up adoringly at Master, permanent availability to Master, etc. Yes, it needs micro-managing if it's not to become unbearable. Even so, for most it's best kept as a pleasant fantasy. I wonder how you'd take to the real thing?

Kat: Since I've never really gotten into the whole bdsm thing, (not that I'm NOT interested or curious) I'm not into 'pain'...I have enough pain without someone else dishing it out to me...sorry, but I just don't find pain pleasurable...(just my 2 cents)

John: Kat, I'm very sorry to hear that you have so much pain in your life. If only one of the many canes in my collection was a magic wand, I'd wave it and put everything right for you, till you purr, purr, purr - but I know life isn't like that.

Agreed, most pain is just downright unpleasant, but what nearly all people involved in d/s and bdsm mean by "pain* is *erotic pain*. For example, many, many women derive great pleasure from teasing their nipples, with some pain, when playing with themselves.

Some forms of d/s (but not bdsm) are possible within a more or less vanilla context. Many years ago, when my wife was divorcing me (and we were already living apart) I discovered that a stunningly beautiful, tall, slender blonde woman whom I'd known socially for many years, was in a similar position. In terms of looks and dress, she could have held her own in the company of any of the really sexy female celebrities. She was every man's dream of a sex partner. We met up, and during the second or third meeting we decided to have fun together. Just as things (vanilla) were about to start she said, quite unnecessarily, "By the way, I've always been used to having absolutely top quality sex, so ..." At that point I interrupted and said, "Yes, I know, at least two Os before penetration". She took this mildly sarcastic remark in good part, laughed and said "Well, I'm not dogmatic. It doesn't have to be two."

Little did she know what was to follow. She orgasmed easily and very hard during foreplay, and after the second she asked for a third. After #3 she begged me to fuck her, but as a little mock punishment for having dared to think she might get anything less than first rate from me, I insisted on giving her a fourth - and so it went on. Suddenly, I discovered that this absolutely stunning woman, widely desired and widely regarded as unobtainable was like jelly in my arms. I felt a massive surge of power,I felt 'high'. She murmured almost incoherently after the fifth orgasm that she really did want me to fuck her but to my delight added, "Over to you. Do whatever you like to me" (wow). I gave her #6, then I fucked her, saying it was a very special favour for a decidedly naughty woman ... There were further Os during intercourse. Afterwards, she lay there happy and high from all those massively powerful Os, beaming, radiant, high - conquered and very malleable.

We met regularly thereafter, and it was only after several meetings that she asked me if I thought she was behaving like a subbie. She added that she'd felt just a whiff of loss of dignity when she'd surrendered and that she'd loved it.

So, Kat, different strokes for different folks. The whips and canes, the 'boots, leather, discipline, pain, orgasm' routine aren't essential. D/s can take many different forms. If you want to add handcuffs and chains, that ought to be perfectly possible. Having said all this, I think you may find that the 's' bit of bdsm just isn't your thing.

Laura: Do you have advice for women who seek a Dom (esp the first time)?

John: A single sub really can pick and choose to her heart's delights; if she's married she usually has to be very careful. Let's assume that the real thing is a possibility.

Serious female subs are much in demand, despite the contrary impression created at many munches. Always bear in mind that, provided you're serious and it isn't just some fantasy you are afraid of acting out, you have immense scarcity value - so there should be no need to abandon yourself to someone unsuitable.

Newbies should first of all explore online, but chatrooms aren't generally a good place to find a real-life partner. In most bigger towns there are d/s-bdsm groups and clubs - and of course there are those munches, too. Provided you can someone to accompany you, meeting others of the same persuasion is often an excellent way to get started. Even if most of other people at the munch you attend are also subs and the Doms all have their own subs or slaves already, you should find it useful for local information. You may discover there's quite an active scene near you, or you someone may recommend a club somewhat further away.

Above all, get hold of listings - from online searches, from munches and from appropriate magazines. A munch may provide you with an acquaintance, possibly a 'sister' sub happy to accompany you to your first visit to a club. Beforehand, find out about the club. Your first visit should be to a good-natured club.

Then - yes, your very first visit to a club, preferably with good-natured, live bdsm show on stage. With any luck, it will be the first real step on a voyage of discovery that will ultimately take you all the way to the very highest levels of ~ecstasy~.

So, sweet, charming, kittens, good luck!

Gracie: Advice for partners ~ for instance, if you have the fantasy to be dominated, but are unsure of your partner's interest... Or worse, your partner is uncomfortable with the idea, how to get them to try it?

John: It's hard give to general advice here, as people are all very different. Let's hope partners know one another well. If you know that your partner is going to recoil in horror and shriek "Pervert!" avoid the topic and seek fulfilment elsewhere.

If you believe your partner is open minded, then surely it's best to raise the subject. You might, for example, ask your partner to spank you during sex and see if he is willing to go any further. Use all your instincts to choose a good moment. In some cases, you may be able to discuss the matter quite explicitly, but again pick your moment carefully. I often hear complaints that men say they are willing to do all kinds of things to please their female partners, but that when it comes to the crunch, to the real thing, they just can't. This doesn't mean your partner is a wimp - it may be that, however tolerant, he's inhibited. By the way, many men say they can't or won't because they are "afraid of hurting" the woman. This may be a genuine fear or it may be an excuse for not admitting that he can't overcome his dislike of d/s and bdsm. If he really objects to d/s, bdsm,try to find out whether this is the result of ignorance, upbringing or irrational conviction. If it's ignorance, try to educate him. You might even persuade him to take you to a d/s munch. If it's genuine religious conviction, then you face a much more difficult task.

With a skeptical, but not hostile partner, you might try using the internet. Despite what's often said, the internet can be an extremely safe way to explore things, provided you don't disclose your address. (Be careful with your phone # too). One of the great advantages of the internet is that there's absolutely no physical contact. You can let your partner observe or participate in chatrooms and so on. If you let someone cyber you, with or without your partner looking on, remember that with no direct contact, *you* decide for example, whether you're going to squeeze, tug and twist your nips, and if so, just how hard.

There are a handful of very enlightened couples who successfully negotiate "open marriages"/ open relationships". Only you can judge whether this is a realistic possibility in your relationship. If yes, then one little hint: don't indulge yourself under the same roof as your partner. It's one thing to be tolerant - but hearing the moans, groans, the swishing of whips or canes, the shrieks of orgasmic delight a couple of rooms away is more than even a wonderfully tolerant partner can be expect to endure. You also need to bear in mind the kind of community you live in. Comings and goings that may pass unnoticed in New York or San Francisco may soon be the subject of gossip in a small town in the Mid West or the South.